Satvic Humor

Top 10 excuses for not practicing Yoga!

(according to Mark Sandler)

#10. Not enough time for eating, sleeping or yoga.

#9. Too stiff, out of shape, depressed or stressed out.

#8. I already, have inner peace & perfect health.

#7. I’m dealing well enough with the stress of work, school and family.

#6. I don’t need to improve my concentration, energy level or self awareness.

#5. I need to watch the shopping channel that night.

#4. I don’t have the right clothes

#3. My husband, or wife doesn’t have the right clothes.

#2. It’s too hot, cold, wet, dry, cloudy or sunny to go out.

#1 It’s not on my diet.

If you don’t have anything nice to say….

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years."

After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.

He said: "The bed is too hard."

He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."

His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

The Monastery on a Cliff

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Holier than thou

There were two monks in a monastery doing their daily rituals. They were about to bow to their deity. One got on his knees and said, "Oh master, I am nothing, I don't exist, all there is, is You." The next monk bowed down even lower and said, "Oh great one, I am less than nothing! I don't exist and I never did. You are all there is!"

In the corner a janitor was sweeping the temple and watching the monks. He thought to himself, "Hmmm, that looks pretty good! I think I'll try that." He walked over to the deity and bowed while the monks watched him. He said, "Oh mighty one, I too am nothing, you are everything." As the two monks looked on with disdain, one said to the other, "Humph! How dare he! Look who thinks he's nothing!"

Jewish Woman Visits the Guru

An old Jewish woman took it upon herself to travel to Nepal to meet with this famous guru. Her friends tried to dissuade her, saying that the trip was long and arduous, and with her varicose veins it could mean real trouble. They could not talk her out of it, however.

So, she made her preparations and set out. It began with a 36-hour flight on Air India with four stopovers, followed by 2 hours on a rickety propeller plane from W.W.I. Then a ride on a cog railway. Then a 2-day trek in a camel caravan over icy mountain paths. She was half dead when she reached the guru's village. There she learned that it would be perhaps ten days before she could have an audience with the guru because so many seekers had come to see him. She was also told that when she entered the guru's tent, she would only be allowed to speak five words, since the guru was so busy.

So, she rested and prepared, all the while trying to choose her five words carefully. Finally, the day came. Into the tent she went and seated herself on the hard stool facing the guru. And then she leaned over and spoke: "Enough already, Sheldon, come home.

Two Hindu Puns

Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.

One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"

His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."

The Buddhist Computer Addict

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?

A: He enters Nerdvana.

The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?

A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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